Friday, May 20, 2011

Midlife Crisis: The Advance Copy

Lately, Hubcap and I have started to plan his midlife crisis. It makes us laugh. If this surprises you, go back and read, “It’s a Nerd! It’s a Brain! It’s... My Husband!” Then we’ll all be on the same page. Got it? Okay, let’s move on.

So, we’ve been going back and forth talking about what kind of car I’ll let him get and what color he’ll dye his hair. Of course, he’ll have to get some ridiculous muscle clothes and tight pants since he’ll mysteriously begin working out with a vengeance. The tanning idea was immediately discarded, however. Hubcap only has two available skin tones: blinding white and barn-raising red.

Here’s the great part. He even said he’d let me pick his girlfriend! Then he thought about it and said, “You’re going to pick an ugg-o, aren’t you?” Alas, no. I have a much better plan. You see, I am an evil genius. I seem like your average nice, private, quiet person, but inside my mental closet are some very dangerous skeletons. More dangerous even than tooth decay and gingivitis. Hey, now. All those toothbrush and toothpaste commercials say that gingivitis is a very serious problem! *ahem*

Um, back to my evil plan. Because I’m evil. Right. Evil. So, will I pick the ugliest woman around? Nah, I’m not that simple. I will pick a very attractive woman. A very attractive woman who has a voice like she’s speaking through 10 noses. A woman who chooses to exercise her voice by talking, singing, and gossiping on the phone at every available moment. A woman who wheedles, nags, lies, and begs in said uber-nasality. A woman who has only one volume- freight train. In short, I will choose someone who is so repulsive in sound and character that the hubster has no choice but to ditch her as soon as humanly possible.

See? I told you I was evil. Like gingivitis. Yeah.

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